Striking a Balance: Why Authoritarian and Permissive Parenting Fall Short in Supporting Appropriate Child Development

Parenting styles play a crucial role in shaping children’s growth and development. Over the years, two dominant approaches have emerged – authoritarian and permissive parenting, two opposite extremes on the parenting spectrum. Although some of these seem ‘normal’ to us because we are either raised in one or trying to go to the other extreme to escape it, latest research and expert opinions suggest that neither fully support appropriate child development. In this blog post, I will explore these two parenting styles, draw parallels between them, and offer an alternative approach that strikes a balance between structure and freedom.

Authoritarian Parenting

Authoritarian parenting is something we often refer to as ‘traditional’ parenting’. It’s characterized by strict rules, high expectations, and little room for flexibility. Parents adhering to this style often emphasize obedience, discipline, and unquestionable respect for authority. They have a tendency to dictate rather than collaborate, leading to a hierarchical parent-child relationship.

Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned physician, with expertise on trauma, addiction, stress and childhood development says “Authoritarian parenting suppresses a child’s autonomy, natural exploration, and growth potential. It creates an environment of fear, and it inhibits the development of independent thinking and decision-making skills” (Mate, 2005, p. 88).

Source: Mate, G. (2005). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers. Vintage Canada.

 

Permissive Parenting

 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Dr. Mate says “Permissive parenting, while perceiving itself as being loving, actually fails to provide the necessary structure, guidance, and boundaries that children need for healthy development. Children require consistency, limits, and understanding of the consequences of their actions” (Mate, 2011, p. 41).

Source: Mate, G. (2011). In the realm of hungry ghosts: Close encounters with addiction. Vintage Canada. 

 

So, it’s noticeable that permissive parenting is marked by a lack of boundaries and rules. Parents who adopt this approach tend to be lenient, non-demanding, and indulgent toward their children’s desires and behaviors. They prioritize harmony and avoid conflict, often blurring the lines between parent and friend. 

 

My mother was a teacher and on one occasion, when a student’s parent came to talk to her about their child’s progress and proudly said that she has a friendly relationship with her daughter and they talk and behave as friends, my mother’s immediate question was “If you are her friend, who is her parent?” This powerful story has stayed with me, profoundly influencing my perspective on parenting from early adulthood. 

 

Parallels between Authoritarian and Permissive Parenting

 

Although authoritarian and permissive parenting may seem vastly different and on the opposite ends of the extreme, they share some common pitfalls that hinder appropriate child development:

 

• Lack of Autonomy and Decision-Making Skills

Both parenting styles limit a child’s opportunity to develop autonomy and decision-making skills. In authoritarian households, strict rules leave little room for independent thinking and problem-solving. Similarly, permissive parenting fails to establish clear boundaries, making it difficult for children to learn the consequences of their actions.

 

• Limited Emotional Regulation

Both authoritarian and permissive parenting styles do not effectively teach children how to regulate their emotions. In authoritarian homes, emotions are often suppressed or dismissed, leading to difficulties in expressing themselves appropriately. On the other hand, permissive parenting may inadvertently reinforce impulsive and emotionally reactive behaviors.

 

Dr. Maté’s stand is that it is crucial for parents to create an environment where children feel safe to express their emotions without fear of judgment or punishment. By validating their emotions and actively listening, parents can nurture the emotional intelligence essential for healthy relationships and self-regulation. 

 

• Underdeveloped Social Skills

Children raised under either extreme style may struggle with social interactions. Authoritarian parenting may lead to fear or submission, hindering the development of healthy relationships. Meanwhile, permissive parenting might result in entitled or socially immature behavior, as children are not held accountable for their actions.

 

Striking a Balance

 

To provide an appropriate approach to parenting that supports child development, a balanced parenting style known as authoritative parenting emerges as a recommended alternative. This style combines elements of structure, warmth, and open communication, creating a secure environment for the child’s growth and development. 

 

According to research by Diana Baumrind, one of the pioneers in the study of parenting styles, authoritative parents tend to be warm, nurturing, and supportive. They establish consistent rules and limits, but also give their children autonomy and encourage independence. In addition, they communicate with their children openly, listen to their concerns, and value their opinions.

 

• Setting Reasonable Boundaries and Expectations

Rather than imposing strict rules or avoiding them altogether, authoritative parents set clear, age-appropriate boundaries that allow children to understand limits and consequences. This approach fosters a sense of security while promoting independent decision-making and responsibility.

 

For example, an authoritative parent establishes a consistent bedtime routine for their child. They communicate the expectations of when bedtime is and what steps should be followed before going to sleep, such as brushing teeth, reading a book, or having a quiet time. By setting this boundary, the child understands the importance of a regular sleep schedule and learns self-discipline in preparing for bed.

 

As children grow into teenagers, an authoritative parent sets clear boundaries regarding curfew. They establish a predetermined time for the teenager to be home in the evenings and communicate the consequences of not adhering to this boundary. This helps the teenager learn about time management, accountability, and respecting the family rules.

 

• Nurturing Emotional Intelligence

Authoritative parenting emphasizes open communication, active listening, and validation of a child’s emotions. By modeling healthy emotional expression and providing a safe space for dialogue, children develop emotional intelligence, resilience, and empathy. 

 

For example, an authoritative parent actively listens to their child’s concerns and validates their emotions. When a child comes home feeling upset about a disagreement with a friend, the parent responds by creating a safe space for dialogue. Instead of dismissing or minimizing the child’s feelings, the parent acknowledges their emotions and encourages them to express themselves openly. They might say, “I can see that you’re feeling hurt by what happened with your friend. It’s okay to feel that way. Let’s talk through it together and find a solution.”

 

In another example, if one morning the child decides they don’t feel like going to the kindergarten, the parent can acknowledge their feelings by saying “Oh honey, I’m sorry you feel that way. Sometimes I don’t feel like going to work too. It really sucks, but we have to go. We can spend some extra time together after we come home and talk about your day.”

 

• Encouraging Autonomy and Collaboration

Unlike authoritarian parenting, where the parent strictly imposes their decisions on the child without room for discussion, authoritative parents foster autonomy and critical thinking. They understand the importance of involving their children in decision-making processes, allowing them to develop crucial skills and become independent thinkers.

 

For example, when an authoritative parent plans a family vacation, they discuss destination options with their child and ask for their input. They value their child’s opinion and encourage them to explore different possibilities. Ultimately, the parent makes the final decision, but the child feels heard and respected, knowing that their thoughts and ideas were considered.

 

It is important to note that involving children in decision-making does not mean relinquishing all control or allowing them to make inappropriate choices. Instead, it is about providing them with the guidance and support necessary to make informed decisions within a safe and respectful framework.

 

Conclusion

 

While authoritarian and permissive parenting approaches each have their shortcomings in supporting appropriate child development, the authoritative parenting style strikes a balance by providing structure, warmth, and open communication. By setting reasonable boundaries, nurturing emotional intelligence, and encouraging autonomy, parents can foster healthy relationships, emotional regulation, and overall development in their children. It is essential to stay informed, adapt to individual circumstances, and continuously reflect on our parenting styles to create a nurturing environment that fosters the best outcomes for our children’s growth and well-being.